Mom’s not doing well

November 14, 2009 at 1:07 pm (Uncategorized)

Although I’m not really in a writing mood I figured I should at least mention this – my mom’s in pretty bad shape right now… to the point where I am very afraid she may not be here with us on this earth much longer.

The symptoms progressed very quickly – a couple of weeks or so ago she started having trouble with her vision, seeing double. She saw an ophthalmologist who told her that from what he could tell her eyes were perfectly fine, so whatever was causing her double vision, it didn’t appear to be her eyes themselves.
So she scheduled an MRI.

The results of the MRI were, to say the least, not good.
She has some sort of growth, possibly a tumor, at the base of the brain and against the spinal cord, at an area called the pons – it’s jacking with her senses and her symptoms are getting worse – only a couple of weeks later, and now her left eye will no longer move right of center, she can’t walk straight, and her balance is messed up.

Although she’s got lots of doctor visits lined up, so far they are not at all optimistic, and say due to the location (which is pretty much smack dab bottom-center of her brain) it may not be operable – and even if it is (which appears to be unlikely) they’re not even sure what the mass even is yet – though one possibility may be some sort of moved recurrence of the breast cancer that she fought against so hard about a decade ago and thought she had beaten.

My dad is so worried he’s hardly eating, and I’m not ashamed to say I broke down in tears for a good part of the night after he told me about it, and continue to try not to think about it too much as I go through my day just so I can function.

I’ve never lost anyone close to me before, and definitely not a family member. I mean, I of course knew the time would come eventually, but now… she’s only in her mid 60’s.

And I keep thinking sad thoughts like… what if she passes on before I get married? What if she never gets to meet my future kids? What is dad going to do without her? I mean, like probably most couple that have been together for decades, their whole lives revolve around each other.

We were never the closest of families – we’re not were never the give-hugs-and-tell-everybody-you-love-em type family, and really we never needed to be – my parents have always shown how much they care through their actions if not necessarily their words. Always there if I needed them, even if I always tried my best not to have to burden them.

I work in a building that’s right next door to a Catholic diocese building. They have a statue of Christ out front with arms outstretched overlooking a pond and a grove of trees.
Yesterday during my break I took a sit under a tree, meditated for a short while, and then prayed for the first time in a very, very long time. I can only hope it was so out of place that somebody actually listened.

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